Having More Social Support in your Life
"Social support" refers to having relationships that are rewarding, enriching and helpful. Relationships can be considered "supportive" when they are positively focused and have a minimum of conflict and strife. Differences in opinions are natural in any relationship, and a supportive relationship can involve disagreements from time to time. Disagreements in a supportive relationship, however, can usually be resolved in a peaceful and effective manner. Social support can come from relationships with a variety of different people, including family members, friends, peers, spouses, boyfriends/girlfriends, co-workers, members of religious or other spiritual groups, classmates, mental health practitioners, and members of peer support groups. Social support systems vary widely. Social relationships are an important part of people's lives. For many individuals, the quality of their relationships is a major factor in their personal satisfaction. Supportive relationships make people feel good about themselves and more optimistic about the future. Having supportive relationships can also help people reduce stress. Reducing stress can help reduce relapses. People have their own individual opinions about what makes a relationship supportive. They also have their own perspectives about what they want from their relationships and whether they are satisfied with the number and quality of their relationships. The following questions may help you think about what social support means to you. - Who are the people your life that support you?
- What kinds of things do people do that you find supportive?
- Which aspects of your relationships are you satisfied with?
- Which aspects of your relationships would you like to change?
- In what ways are you supportive of other people?
- Are you satisfied with the way that you are supportive of other people?
- Would you like to have more social support in your life?
Increasing social support People are often interested in increasing their social support and improving their relationships with others. Two general strategies can be used: - You can increase the number of people with whom you have contact.
- You can improve the quality of your relationships with people with whom you have regular contact.
For many people a combination of both strategies is most helpful. Connecting with new people is often the first step towards increasing social support. In order to connect with people, you need to - Find places to meet people.
- Have interesting things to say.
- Be responsive to what the other person says.
Specific tips for each of these steps are provided below. Good places to meet people You can meet people in all kinds of places. It is helpful to always be on the alert for the possibility of meeting someone, no matter where you are. While it is possible to meet people in many different places, there are some places to go where meeting people may be easier. These tend to be public places where people naturally gather for recreation, to pursue an interest or to take care of business. Some examples include: - Community organizations such as libraries or civic associations
- School or class
- Support groups
- Workplace
- Places where people gather for religious or spiritual activities (churches, synagogues, temples, mosques, etc)
- Peer drop-in center
- Health or exercise club such as the YMCA or YWCA
- Parks
- Museums
- Concerts
- Special interest groups such as those relates to politics, hobbies, sports, conservation or recreation
- Bookstores, coffee shops
- Volunteer programs
In order to get to know someone or to get to know someone better, it is helpful to be able to start conversations. Starting and maintaining enjoyable conversations involves a combination of skills. These skills include choosing someone who might be receptive to a conversation, having something interesting to say, and showing interest in the other person.
Some specific tips for conversation are provided below: - Find someone who isn't occupied.
Choose someone who isn't obviously occupied. If the person is in the middle of doing something, they may not want to stop what they are doing in order to talk to you. - Choose an interesting topic.
The topic you choose could be related to something that you are doing when you are starting the conversation. For example, if you are in an art gallery, you could start a conversation about the paintings you are looking at.
You could also choose another topic, such as the weather, recent events, or sports. If you don't know the person, you can start by introducing yourself. But as you do so, you should also be thinking of a topic to follow the introduction. - Look at the person.
Eye contact is important when you are talking to people because it shows them that you are interested in what they have to say. If you feel uncomfortable looking into someone's eyes, you can look somewhere close to their eyes, such as their forehead or nose. - Smile and nod your head to show you are listening.
It can be helpful to let the person know that you are listening and are interested in what he or she has to say. Showing an interest in the other person indicates that you don't want to dominate the conversation by doing all the talking and that you are receptive to their ideas and point-of-view. - Tune in to what the other person is saying.
Asking questions about what the other person says and responding to their comments lets them know that you are interested in their perspective. If the person seems uninterested, consider changing topics or politely ending the conversation. - Avoid telling very personal things about yourself.
When you are just getting to know someone, avoid telling the person very private information about yourself. Such information too early in a conversation sometimes makes the person feel uncomfortable and can make it harder to make a connection with him or her. When you get to know the person better, he or she will feel more comfortable with conversations about more personal topics.
Getting closer to people, including developing friendships and intimate relationships, is an important goal for many people. The most rewarding close relationships are ones in which each person cares about the other person's perspective and well being. In order to be close to other people, it is important to be able to share more personal things about yourself and to be open to them sharing more personal things about themselves with you. It is also important to be willing to do things to help the other person. There are three main considerations when you are developing a closer relationship: - Things you can say to the other person
- Things you can do with the other person
- Deciding how much and when to disclose personal information about yourself.
- Express positive feelings and give compliments.
Telling other people how you feel about them can help bring you closer. This can include expressing and showing affection, but it is not limited to that. For example, you can tell people that you admire certain qualities that they have or that you appreciate specific things about them. - Ask the person questions about himself or herself.
Getting to know people and developing closeness involves trying to understand more about their thoughts and feelings. Ask people about what they are thinking and feeling, try to understand their perspective, and show them you are interested in knowing more about them. - Tell the person something about yourself.
Gradually telling people more things about yourself is part of becoming closer to them. You can tell people about your feelings, your opinions, things you like to do, and your past experiences. Deciding when and what to tell about yourself is discussed below in more detaiT.
- Try to understand the other person's point-of-view.
Each person's experience and perspective is unique. To understand someone's point-of-view, it can be helpful to ask yourself questions such as
"What is the person feeling?"
"What is the person thinking?"
"If I were in their shoes, what would I feel or think?"
When you think you understand someone's perspective, it can be helpful to check it out with that person to see if you are correct or not. For example, if someone has been talking about their concerns about starting a new job, you might say something like, "From what you've said, it sounds like you're a little worried about having different responsibilities on the job than you're used to. Is that the way you feel?" - Do things together.
Identifying activities that you can do together can provide rewarding experiences for both of you. Explore what interests you have in common in order to think of things you can do together. - Be willing to compromise.
In close relationships, neither person can always have their own way. Being willing to compromise and negotiate shows that you are not being selfish and that you care about him or her. - Show by your actions that you care about the other person.
Caring feelings can be expressed by actions as well as words. You can let people know that you care by being helpful, by surprising them in unexpected and pleasant ways, and by investing some of your time in trying to make them happy. - Be there for the person and help out.
"Being there" for someone means being available during a time of need. Everyone has times of need. Recognizing when someone needs help and being able to support and assist him or her is an important sign that you care.
"Disclosure" refers to telling someone personal information about yourself. As people get closer to each other, they tell more about themselves. Deciding how much to tell someone can be a tricky decision. If you tell too much too soon, the other person may feel overwhelmed, and may pull away from the relationship. If you disclose too little, over time it may be difficult to have a really close relationship. In deciding how much to disclose about yourself, it is helpful to keep in mind that when two people are close to each other, they tell each other about the same amount of personal information about themselves. For example, if one person tells about their family background, the other person will usually follow by telling about the same amount about their own family background. You can start by matching the other person's level of disclosure, and then gradually trying to increase the level as you get to know each other better. It can be helpful to identify three levels of disclosure: low, medium, and high. Low disclosure involves telling things about yourself that are not highly personal, such as your tastes or preferences for things like food, movies, television, or books. High disclosure is telling someone very personal information about yourself, such as having a mental illness. Medium disclosure is somewhere in between. Deciding what you want to disclose and what you want to keep to yourself is a personal decision based partly on whether you believe the other person will accept you after you have disclosed personal information.
This article is adapted from the Illness Management and Recovery Workbook, an Evidence-Based Practice, available on the Substance Abuse, Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) website, a branch of the United States Department of Health and Human Services.
|
|
